Completion

From time to time I will shed tears and wonder what if, but God' assignment for Lil Will in me is complete. The healing process has run it course and I can no longer hide behind the memory of my son. My Father drew me out of my hiding places and cause me to come face to face with myself. God has been like a surgeon these last few months.

Hebrews 4:12-13 says "For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and the intents of the heart. And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are naked and open to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.

What has the Father cause you to come face to face with in you. There are no places we can hide. The realization of this truth will draw us out into the loving arms of a Father who loves us more than we can imagine if we allow Him to.

This is the last post I will make to this blog. Rest in peace son, your labor was not in vain.

The angels that watched over Lil Will

I am two weeks into the chaplain's program at Children Medical Center. On Monday September 21st I was at the Dallas hospital. We went on a tour of the hospital with our fellow chaplains and we visited all the ICU's. I saw all the parents in with there precious children and I saw some children whose parents were not there. One of the chaplain noted that a lot of the children had no one in there rooms with them. Our trainer explained that the children in the ICU are usually there for a long time and some parents can not take off from work or they have other children etc... I fully understood where she was coming from. Lil Will was able to get our undivided attention and love and I believe a parent who loves their child wants to be there every waking moment but it is not feasible for some. To those parents who have children in the hospital and can't be there as much as you like, make every moment you spend with them intimate and special. Make sure they know your voice and your scent. A child knows the voice of their parents above any other voice. Do not allow guilt to consume you because of your other responsibilities. Know that there are chaplains and nurses that are sent by God to watch and guard your child.

My Promise to Lil Will

I promise our son before he left that I would fulfill the mission God gave to me. When I was in the fourth grade we had to draw a picture on career day of what we wanted to be when we grew up. I drew a pastor. So I have known for a long time what my assignment was but I was too scared to walk in it. In 1990 while in Iraq I came to a realization. I guess a crisis will do that :) Anyway, this was a time in my life I decided to be more dedicated to the Lord. I decided to take our relationship more serious. Since then I have had more heartaches, more disappointments, more fears, and more failures than I have had previously before I took our relationship serious but at the same time I have had more victories, more joy, and more accomplishments. I shared with my wife either before we got married or shortly after, that there would be something major that would test the authencity of our relationship. For that moment Lil Will was the test. Not only did it test the authencity of our relationship to each other but the authencity of our relationship with our heavenly Father. Things could have went south real quick if it was not for God's committment to us. I feared having a relationship with Will because I knew the possibility of him leaving us but the Lord would not allow me to live in fear and hold back a genuine love for our son. So I say to the men who may read this. The authencity of your heart and commitment will be tested. The first relationship that will always be tested is your relationship with the Father from which all other relationships will grow or wither. I promised our son I would be obedient to our Father and fulfill the call. What have you promised? What do you need to fulfill?

Today is one of those days

Today is one of those days I think about what it would be like to be at home with Will. As I sit here in the presence of God. I sense His arms around me with Will at His side as I wonder what it would be like to hold my lil one. Be blessed Father by the obedience of your sons. I love you!

Time with Lil Will

For the past two weeks Sequita and I have taken time to get up in the morning and have family devotion. I ask the Lord for a scripture and Sequita gets the song and then we pray together. Well Saturday, August 22nd was a special day for us because we spent our devotion time at Will's grave site. Here are the scriptures that were given to me.

I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die shall live. And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die. John 11:25,26

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnessess let us lay aside every weight and sin which so easily ensnares us and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-2

These were my thoughts as I journaled in the family journal:

Lord, knowing that you are the resurrection and the life gives me confidence and assurance that Lil Will is alive and well in your presence and with the other saints that have went on before us. While we are still on this earth we will run this race and not allow anything to hold us back. I know among the witnesses that surround us is our heavenly family, especially Lil Will. Son, thank you for being obedient unto the Father and fulfilling your assignment. We miss you and we know that you are with us in the Spirit. We will continue to fulfill the mission that God has given us. I know you see the impact God has caused by your life. To God be the glory in all that he has done.

If you are not already doing it. I encourage you to spend some devotional time with the Lord and your family. Get a family journal and write out what is on your heart and allow the Lord to minister to you. You will find healing in His words and in His presence. We do every morning.

How long do you mourn?

Mourn means to feel or experience grief or sorrow. If there is a loss or separation from someone there will be moments of mourning, the question is how long should it last? I believe each individuals mourning time varies. There are times I think about Lil Will and I feel grief or sorrow but I discovered that there is an end to it. I can tell you that there is not a day that I do not think about him or when I travel down a certain highway or road my thoughts drift toward looking in his eyes or the smile on his face, but there is an end to the effects of mourning. What do I mean by that? I mean grief or sorrow should not last continually because eventually it will take a toll on our emotions and on the way we think. There is a way to transform mournful emotions and thoughts to joy, it is called choice. The one thing we have to keep in mind is there is a beginning and an end to things in the natural. The only one who really knows the beginning and end of those natural things is God.

Ecc 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
Ecc 3:2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
Ecc 3:3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
Ecc 3:4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
Ecc 3:5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
Ecc 3:6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
Ecc 3:7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
Ecc 3:8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
Ecc 3:9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboreth?
Ecc 3:10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.
Ecc 3:11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

We have a choice to make when we understand that there is a beginning and end to natural things. It is quite healthy to mourn because there is a time for this but then we must choose to believe God in every situation. For example my son Lil Will, there was an appointed time for him to be born and an appointed time for him to die in the natural. Truth is he is not dead, he is eternally connected to his Heavenly Father, he is eternally connected to his Heavenly Brother Jesus by the eternal Holy Spirit. This is the truth! So while I may have mournful moments, I know my son Lil Will ever lives and when my natural time is up our true time will be eternal. We are able to transform mourning into joy by believing God.

A fight with fear

On May 4, 2009 at 9:29pm. I was sitting in the parking lot of a pizza place with my wife. While we were sitting there a rush of fear came over me about Lil Will. I did not mention anything to my wife about it and I wasn't going to pray about it but I had to do something, so I asked God what was this. He said, "Stay focused son. The enemy wants to undermine your faith. You are the strongman. If he cane get you off balance or take you out, it will cause a ripple effect throughout your household. Remember, call to mind the things I have spoken to you."

Later that night I emailed two of my closest friends and share my thoughts and emotions about what I was experiencing. It is always good to have at least two friends who know you but what is most important that they know God. I have discovered that a man can have friends but not the kinds of friends that will help you stand in your times of weakness. I have two friends who are as different as day and night but they have hearts after God and I knew when I reached out to them that I would get a Godly answer. A godly answer don't necessarily mean a answer that you will agree with or one that will appease the emotions, but it is an answer that will cause you to stand in faith, no matter what you see or what you hear. Godly answers are eternally true.

You may not have friends like I'm speaking about or you are the kind of man who is an introvert. When you are going through hard times and you don't know what to do or fear has gripped you, pray. Not only pray but begin to write in a journal to God about your concerns and look for him to respond to you.